Carmeggedon: Vehicles of the Apocalypse

Humor : September 5, 2008

If you’re anything like me you spend a good portion of your day thinking about meaningless crap: if I jumped off the Wrightsville bridge would I survive? What would happen if I drove my car through Home Depot? If zombies attacked which shopping mall would I call home? And my latest prize winner: when the world ends and the apocalypse comes, what vehicle would I drive?

Ever since I started working at National Speed I’ve given that last one a lot of thought (when you’re surrounded by noxious fumes and huffable magic markers you’d be surprised what goes through your head). Surprisingly, I’m not the only one with a demented brain around here. If the peeps at National Speed are any indication, when the apocalypse comes the wasteland is going to be an interesting place to drive around in.

1. The Wienermobile. Laugh all you want, but when you’re driving around in an apocalyptic wasteland all day you’re going to want a little excitement. Beneath the bun this dog is packing a 5700 GM VORTEC engine which is plenty of bite for a wiener shaped car. Mount a custom fabricated rocket launcher on the rear and dual machine gun turrets on the front and you’ve got one mean hush puppy.

2. Riding Lawnmower. Good things come in small packages (at least that’s what my ex-girlfriend used to tell me) so a souped-up riding lawnmower should do the trick. Funnily enough, they actually race these things in Ottawa — some upwards of 200 hp. Those crazy Cannucks! Drop in some nitrous, a .50 caliber machine gun, and maybe some razor-sharp cutting blades and you’ll be ready to kick some serious grass.

3. V8 Barstool. Possibly the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. A custom-built barstool with a V8 engine. Absolutely insane. Believe it or not, there’s an official barstool racing league in the Bonneville Salt Flats. Because of the stool’s small size there’s not a lot of room for weapons modifications, but you could easily install an oil slick, smoke screen, maybe even spiked tire shredders that’ll bring a whole new meaning to “last call.”

With astronomical gas prices, global warming, and a fourth Fast & Furious on the way to multiplexes, the end is surely nigh. Submit your photos and share your vehicle ideas with National Speed for what you’ll be driving when the apocalypse dawns…and if you pick the Toyota Prius we’re all going to laugh at you. Seriously.