Humor : February 3, 2009

I spent the first eight years of my driving life behind the wheel of a 1988 Dodge Caravan with baby poop brown interior, no air conditioning, and wood paneling duct taped along the side to hold it all together. I looked like the serial killer from Silence of the Lambs out for a Sunday drive in search of burly females to wear as a suit. In other words, chicks weren’t digging my ride.

Unfortunately, this was the only vehicle that I had to work with, and surprisingly I still managed to get dates (it’s amazing what five dollars can buy you in Tijuana). Some of you out there might not be so lucky, however, which is why I present to you the Top 5 Worst Cars To Pick Up Girls With. Take my advice and avoid these suckers like the plague.

5) El Camino The automotive equivalent of a mullet: business up front, party in back. That being said, the ladies are not a fan of the El Camino. From my experience, women don’t like it when you show up at their doorstep in a vehicle missing back seats. It sends the wrong message…or so I’ve been told.

4) The KIA Sportage You might as well wrap up your genitals and stick them in the freezer. You won’t be needing them. Possibly the least masculine car since the VW Bug. Speaking of which…

3) The Redesigned VW Bug Odds are, if you see a man driving one of these, he’s either borrowing his wife’s car because his is in the shop, or he’s on the way to the doctor’s office for the next step in his sex change operation.

2) Vespa Better known in these parts as the DWI bike, or if you’re a video game fan, the Faggio. Ten points and a pat on the back to whomever can tell me what game that’s from.

1) The Segway It takes a lot to make something as silly and female as the Vespa look badass in comparison, but the Segway does it rather easily. All the rage in corporate America, the Segway is the ultimate toy for people too lazy to, you know…walk. Bring one of these on a date and begin your lonely ride of shame in style.