Real Men Drive Wagons

Editorial | Humor : July 7, 2008

So it’s been brought to my attention that perhaps my Smurf-blue Ford Focus station wagon isn’t the sweet ride that I once thought it was. Never mind the fact that it gets excellent gas mileage and has surprisingly good pickup (when the air conditioner’s not running). Some people can’t see the forest through the trees. Not me, baby. I see potential. Where you see a rain-damaged, wet-dog-smelling rust bucket — I see a customized speed demon waiting to hit the streets. And to prove just how badass my car really is, I’m going to pull back the curtain and reveal the splendor of the Ford Focus.

Anybody can have a computerized GPS system, but real pimps roll old school.

The global GPS unit is a custom fabrication and a big hit with the ladies. “Hey baby, hop in my Focus and I’ll show you the world.”

The install phase of the rain defense mechanism (r.d.m. if you want to get technical) was a bit rushed but I think you’ll see that the results more than speak for themselves.

Not only is it eye-catching and incredibly practical, but the kids are guaranteed to love it! I’ve already decreased water damage by a whopping 15% and gotten offers from Dora the Explorer about potential sponsorship opportunities. Fingers crossed!

Pretty sweet, huh? That’s a stock Focus engine. This baby can go from zero to sixty in 35.9 seconds and if you look closely you can see the push to prime button. Little known fact: the Focus SE also doubles as a handy lawnmower/mulcher and for a small fee I’ll cut your grass.

For future modifications I’m thinking of taking Papa Smurf to a whole new level. We’re talking twin turbos, maybe upgrade the motor from a Craftsman weed eater to a full-on power mower, or get real crazy and install some fully-functioning rear windows. The possibilities are endless. And Papa Smurf deserves your respect.